Doing Social Media right: the Facebook Profile Picture

Choosing the right profile picture for Facebook can not only be time-consuming, but traumatic. Pick a photo that sends out the wrong image and you’ll be cursed with minimal likes; shunned to the corners of Facebook popularity, which will inevitably be detrimental to your mental well-being, probably resulting in your refusal to ever leave your room, ever.

(Chewbacca knows how to rock the profile picture look)

So, do you go for the naturally posy photo or the off-hand “Oh-I-Didn’t-See-You-There-Camera-Yeah-I’m-Totally-Always-This-Windswept-And-Gorgeous” shot? Are you alone or with the lads? Made-up or au-natural?

It’s a tricky situation, and one that girls and guys alike spend far too much time mulling over.

Here are the categories that profile pictures on Facebook tend to fall into. It is in everyone’s best interests to consult this guide before changing that picture; you never know what message that duck-lipped shot might be sending out.

work it girl

THE SELFIE – encompassed in The Selfie you’ve got the Myspace angle, the bathroom-mirror shot, the webcam-shot, and the duck-lip photo. All of which were obviously taken by some really crap, low pixel camera, with strategic lighting and strategic make-up that you can’t tell is strategic, but the reality is, we CAN tell it’s strategic, and you look stupid, and please just go and get your friend or your dog to take a picture of you instead, please.

can you hear that sizzling? It's her eyes burning into your soul

THE PROFESSIONAL PHOTO – the polar opposite to The Selfie. You JUST SO HAPPENED to get a bunch of snazzy photos taken and they JUST SO HAPPENED to wind up on Facebook, in their own album, and – oh no – now one has JUST SO HAPPENED to be profile picture material. Yes, you look great, but everyone knows you don’t normally look that good. Stop showing off. 

THE FRIEND PHOTO – you’re just hanging out with your friends, because you’re a social butterfly and people just always want to spend time with you. Because you’re awesome. You’re all just chilling, having a laugh, a great time – oh is that a camera? Definitely didn’t see it. Definitely didn’t coordinate the left-hand-on-hip-head-tilt-shoulder-slump. Definitely not. You’re all just chilling. Far too busy having fun to care about taking photos.

someone's missing...

THE CELEBRITY ONE – that will probably get an insane amount of likes and comments, even though you look like a fat mess next to said celebrity’s demi-God status. And the reality is you had to queue up for 4 hours to get that photo, or you spotted them out shopping – you can totally tell Mr. Celebrity very begrudgingly delayed his trip to the frozen section to make you happy. Oh, and it’s important to remember, when gazing through rose-tinted eyes at this photo, that said celebrity will never remember meeting you because, hey, you’re painfully average. 

THE HOLIDAY ONE – if it weren’t for the inundation of check-ins, statuses, mobile uploads, and five albums, Facebook would never have known you’d been on holiday. Fortunately, because you’re so altruistic, you’re going to make everyone on Facebook feel happier by allowing them access to The Best swimsuit shot of you from said holiday. You look great, the beach looks great – everyone’s happy.

kudos to you dude, that's pretty cool

THE SUPERCRAZY ONE – where you’re actually doing something really cool, like back flipping off the back of a Red Bull van, or holding that Commonwealth Gold medal you won. Yeah the medal was for Lawn bowls but it’s the taking part that counts, right? 

THE PSEUDO-SUPERCRAZY ONE –you’ve really blown the boundaries of Facebook norms and have revolutionised your army of profile pictures by including one of you doing something SO INSANELY CRAZY that it subliminally screams of how much fun you are. Photos include but are not limited to: pulling an ugly face, blowing a kiss to the camera, and Photoshopping a tiger’s head into the background. 

there's just so much yolo going on here

THE DRUNK ONE – you looked damn good that night. Yeah, you may be clutching a bottle of 2 litre bottle of vodka that slightly gives the game away, but it’s the one photo where you’re not flashing your arse, on the floor, or have your head in a toilet. Plus, you look really cool and fun with the darkness and trippy strobe lights and lopsided smile – it just screams Party Animal.

THE SAME ONE – where everyone changes their profile picture to the same thing, for reasons that escape you. However, because you’re unfathomably intelligent, you soon suss out that non-conformity is a Facebook sin, and you immediately change your profile picture to the same as everyone else’s, including a spiritual quote by Marilyn Monroe next to the picture to show that you understand how hard life is, and proceed to bitch about the heartlessness of those who have failed to change their profile pictures.

THE EDITED ONE – your arms aren’t that toned. Your boobs aren’t that big. Your triple chins have somehow disappeared and your hairline is no longer receding. Stop tricking people; it’ll only induce heart-attacks when they see your monstrous mug in real life. If you want to play around with faces, go and buy the Sims 3.